A peer-reviewed scientific investigation into one man's lifestyle choices, vehicle ownership, and suspicious levels of fabulousness.
Andrew claims he bought it for "all-wheel drive safety" and "sensible cargo capacity." However, decades of queer marketing history confirm the Subaru crossover is the holy grail of LGBTQ+ vehicular supremacy. You didn't buy a car, Andrew. You bought a lifestyle statement.
He claims heavy metal is the peak of tough-guy masculinity. But think about it: screaming along at the top of your lungs in an all-black ensemble in a hot room with 50 shirtless dudes doing synchronized spin-kicks? That’s not a mosh pit. That’s theatrical musical drama.
The 5-inch inseam shorts. The high-tension grunts on standard topspin forehands. The emotional meltdowns over line calls. Andrew brings pure center-court Grand Slam diva energy every single Sunday morning.
Lifelong dedication to the Browns, Guardians, and Cavaliers. The sheer amount of emotional masochism, heartbreak, and dramatic suffering required to support Cleveland teams belongs exclusively in an Italian tragedy opera.
One trip to Lisbon and now he's holding kitchen court explaining the crust lamination of authentic Pastel de Nata and the acidity gradient of Douro Valley olive oil with a glass of chilled Vinho Verde in hand. Slay, chef.
A wonderful wife, an adorable 3-year-old son, two golden dogs, and a cat. A remarkably wholesome and heartwarming domestic cover operation. We respect the commitment to the bit, but the tennis shorts and Crosstrek do not lie.
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